A dip in the pond would hit the spot.
So I squeezed my ass in a nice big suit
And smeared some sunscreen on my snoot,
Pulled on my stunnin' swimming shoes
And grabbed my nose plug on its noose.
(It's dry round here and it's hot
You had rain? We have not.
Our pond is down a foot or three
And along the shore are cut pine trees
[Put there for the minnows, don'tcha know,
And it looks real ugly cause now they show].
Though the tree are there to protect the fish
I hate the things and, BOY, do I wish
They weren't there where I swim
(But they were put there by Him)
So I'm stuck with the damn things
And their bits of tinsel and Christmas string.)
Ususally my end's, oh, 'bout five feet
'Cept it ain't rained here in weeks and weeks
So's now my end's barely two feet deep
With a foot and half of mud at least.
It was going to be tricky to get through the mire
And out to where the water was higher.
But, ya know, it sure was hot
And I knew a dip would hit the spot.
I eased on in to the warm, warm ooze
(See, that's why I wear them ugly shoes)
And without more water to buoy my ass
I start sinking in the mud...and fast.
At first I thought, hey, been here before
But I started sinking a little bit more
And soon I was well and truly stuck
Thigh deep in water, knee deep in muck.
Then the reason I hate those damn pine trees
Comes a wiggly out to taste the breeze
I told Him they'd attract snakes
It's WATER and TREES for cripes' sake.
And, oh, shit there's another one
Under the pier away from the sun.
And, SHIT, there's even more!
Why in hell didn't I see 'um from the shore?
Here I'm stuck like a white beached whale
With snakes ready to bite my tail
(Okay, I know that's not what they do
But would it really matter to you?)
They're all around, that's all that matters
So I splash the water to make them scatter
And yell for the dogs to save my life
And call hubby to come get his wife.
The dogs come round and barked a lot
And hubby comes out to see what's what
Then laughs so hard he can't stand
Oh, my hero, oh, what a man.
The snakes go away but now I'm pissed
"Come help me get out of this!
Finally he gets me out of my pickle
With John Deere and a lot of giggles.
But still it was SO damn hot today
So I took a shower.
